Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 7: ‘Let’s keep the profanity down’

Let’s get set for a three-game series against the Oakland Athletics. Ranch continues to be a slimy douchebag, going on the air – this time wearing the headphones/microphone headset – while looking at a group of young women in the stands through his binoculars. We also learn that color-guy’s name is Wally.

A walk-off win to breaking a long losing streak for a last-place team, and suddenly there are more people in the seats than the last five games combined, Ranch tells the listeners. OK, that definitely seems a little unrealistic. Fans do not flock back to a team that quickly, especially after one win.

David, sporting a bowtie, heads to the dugout seats carrying two trays of popcorn, soda and snacks for the special guests, Roger and J.P. They take advantage of the free snacks (why not?) and immediately ask for peanuts and nachos as well, right before J.P. expertly squirts a mustard packet all over the front of David’s linen suit. “Sorry.” J.P.’s lines and the delivery are actually pretty good in this movie.

J.P. also spills his pop (because I’m from Minnesota) on David. It’s really an excuse for the two of them to head up top and dry off so that Roger and Knox can have a conversation about angel potential. On the way out of his seat, David tells Knox the kids are “evil,” but Knox wants the kiddos kept happy because “the big one might be lucky.” OK, so he’s going with the superstition thing.

Roger won’t confirm a win when Knox asks though.

The boss angel is back to explain the rules
For some weird reason, the boss angel shows up in Roger’s Coke cup and jumps out with a splash, causing Roger to jump up, freak out and of course look like a weirdo because the fans around him don’t have the pleasure of seeing Christopher Lloyd.

Al says he left in a hurry “yesterday,” which is a continuity error. The real-life-Angels game was at least a few days ago. Al goes on to tell Roger the rules. Might have been nice to know some of these things in advance, Al, but go off. No. 1 Don’t tell anybody about the angels. So, that one is already broken. They don’t like recognition. Al is actually kind of confusing here, leaving us to wonder when exactly we’ll see the angels again.

Roger gets hysterical after Al leaves, calling Knox over to inform him of the angel presence… in his Coke cup. Knox clearly has no idea what to make of this, telling Roger he’s about as good as a four-leaf clover. Knox appeases the hysterical Roger by telling him to offer up a signal when he sees an angel. Roger puts his arms out to the side and waves them up and down like angel wings; that’s his signal.

Knox walks away, still thinking how crazy this all is to grasp.

David comes back with another tray of snacks, so of course J.P. sets the cheesy nachos on David’s empty seat. He sits on them with a loud crunch. David is not amused as the boys laugh it off.

No angels? No swearing.
In more proof that this game wasn’t “yesterday,” Bass is back on the mound. So, we’ve at least gone through another rotation. Bass is giving up hits today, it seems. Later, the rapper Mapel is up and takes a called strike. Knox is fired up like it’s the deciding call in Game 7 and tells the ump that he’s “blind as a horse’s ass” if that was a strike. J.P. is aghast as the curse word.

Roger waves Knox over but first has to get rid of “nacho butt” David. Knox, not knowing the nacho incident, tells David to buy that very item for the kids.

“Anything. But nachos,” David says sternly.

“Buy them Angels jackets,” Knox says, getting impatient.

“It’s 90 degrees outside!”

“Get your BUTT up there, now!”

It was a funny exchange when I watched as a kid. Anyway, Roger establishes that it’s the fourth inning and the angels have been MIA. Roger tells Knox he shouldn’t swear so much, because the angels don’t like it. This is pretty laughable. I mean, being a Disney movie, we haven’t even heard most of the profanity that goes on during a game. Also, how does Roger know what the angels like or don’t like? He didn’t even seem to know if God was real, bless his little heart.

Reluctantly and silently, Knox seems to agree. But first, he has to get it out of his system. He walks away, takes off his cap and fires off a bunch of inaudible swears, leaving Roger to cover J.P.’s ears. Knox sits on the bench and yells toward his players to “keep the profanity down!” All of their conversations stop as a collective “Huh?!” and heads turn in the manager’s direction.

“I mean it! No swearing!”

And then, this gem from a player: “That eliminates all speech for most of the team.”

More ninth-inning magic on the way?
Again, it’s a scoreless game in the 9th inning. Maybe the Athletics and Blue Jays aren’t that good either. But it’s angel time. A pretty-lady angel is rubbing the shoulders of an Angels player standing at the top of the dugout. Roger notices and gets super excited. In the quest to get rid of David, Roger requests coffee. Sure. They’ll take it in cups, David.

Knox is signaled over and is still skeptical because he can’t see the angels himself. Mini-manager Roger suggests pinch-hitting Hemmerling into the game, and Knox won’t have it because Mitchell is coming up, the team’s best hitter. Hemmerling can’t hit the broad side of a barn. Knox walks away defiant but then thinks about it.

What’s the worst that could happen? Fall out of last place?

Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 1: 'I'd say when the Angels win the pennant'

Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 2: 'Boy, they're bad'

Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 3: 'You don't even *lose* as a team!'

Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 4: 'God, if there is a God...'

Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 5: 'I love it when they come from above like that'

Angels in the Outfield commentary, part 6: 'There were *angels* in the outfield!'